I Hate
by MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus
Summary: (COMPLETE)You hate me for saying nothing, but knowing everything. You hate me because you know I don't love you. And I hate myself for not loving you. (A Companion to: Just One)


I Hate  
  
A/N: This one shot came out of nowhere. It's a feelings one again. I was thinking about my life, and I related this to characters. So, read and review!  
  
I guess you could call this a companion to Just One. So go read it if you haven't.  
  
Disclaimer: I own about as much as you do, reader.  
  
Summary: You hate me for saying nothing, but knowing everything. You hate me because you know I don't love you. And I hate myself for not loving you. (A Companion to: Just One)  
  
I Hate

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Sometimes, in life, we can't control this overwhelming feeling we get when we see something, or someone, or even when we experience some event. Sometimes we can't control an overwhelming feeling of hatred towards someone, something, or some event. Sometimes we don't understand. Sometimes we know more than people think. Okay, I'm talking about random things, and I know everyone's wondering what I'm bloody talking about, right?  
  
Well... it all started when I started coming to school, you see. That has led me down a road of hatred. And as I stare at you now, I can't help but feel hatred towards you. I can't help but want to look away and make you suffer. I know I'm putting you through hell. And I want nothing more than to feel emotionless about it. I want to see your longing looks and ignore them. I want to look away when our eyes lock, so I don't have to see that your innocence is gone. I don't want to see what you're going through. But I hate that I have to. I hate that I can't turn away.  
  
I know with all that's going on around us, it's hard to be oblivious. It's hard to be in school, knowing anyone out there could be killed. It's hard to worry about Transfigurations' finals when your whole world is outside those big oak doors and you can't get there. I hate that we have to find news by papers; owls that deliver the tragic losses and ministry slips.  
  
But this is about something other than news and losses; at least, until the end. I sit here and I look at you, holding his hand half heartedly. I see your emotions; I see in your eyes that you don't want him. I see you want me. And I see that you hate me. You hate me for saying nothing, but knowing everything. You hate me because you know I don't love you. And I hate myself for not loving you.  
  
You don't understand what I'm going through. You don't see what I have to do. You don't see that whoever I love is the first to suffer. And I know, to some degree you hate yourself. You hate yourself for loving me. For falling for me, when you know I can't love you back. And I hate myself for that.  
  
I hate your longing looks. I hate your tears. I hate when I hear you cry. I hate that when I walk into a room I have to act oblivious to your tears; even when I see clearly that you must have cried. And I hate having to figure out why. I hate having this thing inside of me that makes me what to know everything about you. The thing that makes me want to wipe away your tears, and fight away your pain. And I hate that I can't do that. Because you'll hate me more. I hate that you'll start thinking of me as more than a friend. That you'll show your love more openly. That you'll kiss me...  
  
And I'll kiss back.  
  
I wish I could tell you that we could be something. If by some miracle I come out alive... I wish I could run to you and sweep you into my arms. But mostly I wish I could tell you. I wish I didn't have to lie to everyone. But I know that if I tell you, you'll prove to me again that you're not innocent.  
  
You'll wonder why, if I want you later, why I can't have you now. I know you'll think that. I know that if you know I might be able to get feelings that you'll jump at the opportunity. I know that you found something in me; something I could easily find in you. I know that you want me and I could want you to. But I hate that I, truly, truly, can't.  
  
Ginny, I can't. I can't love you. I can't make you mine. I can't kiss those soft lips of yours. I can't hold your hand. And I can't give myself to you. I can't vow myself to protect you. I have to protect everyone. And I know that if you read this, you're going to wonder why I'm being so selfless. You'll wonder, 'If you can love me, why don't you? Why can't you kiss me? Why can't you hold me in your arms when you know you want to?'  
  
It's because you're not the only one I care about. You're not the only person I am fighting to save. And the thoughts crossed my mind more than once that you're... you're selfish Ginny. That you know I have to fight in the final battle. That there's no other way. I fight until one of us dies. And even though you know this you ask for my love. I hate you. I hate you for asking for something I could give; that you pressure me to do it.  
  
I hate that you have this kind of relationship with me, when you know you can't always decide if you hate me or not. And if I fall in love with you; you're going to lose part of yourself. Don't you understand, Ginny? If I fall in love with you, I'd fall for the indecisive girl that isn't as innocent as I know you to be. And I know that you'd change after I told you those words. I know you'd become innocent now that you've got the only thing that made you change. You'll change back. You won't be indecisive anymore, because you'll have the thing that drives you crazy.  
  
You'll have me.  
  
You hate yourself and love yourself, like you hate and love me. All the hate leaves when you get what you want. If you didn't have to fight you'd lose a part of yourself. I know that's not fair. You hate that I know; I see in your eyes you do. I see as you kiss him as though you're trying to get me jealous. Or as though you're trying to forget me. And I know you're waiting for me to get mad or break you two up so you can hate me freely again. So you can yell at me for not understanding and for trying to be a brother.  
  
You hate that I understand. That I can't feel the love you need me to. I hate that you're different now; that you change every day, and it's not always for the better. I hate that you understand. You hate that I understand. I know that after a while I claimed to hate you...  
  
I hate that I don't want to hate you. 


End file.
